5 Practical Steps to Stop being a People Pleaser - Islamic Perspective

If you're young and you're a kind person, you may fall into the habit of pleasing people more than you should.

Today's reminder is the quiet habit of over giving, overcommitting, and over-apologising in hopes of being accepted or loved.

At first glance, it can look like kindness. After all, Islam encourages generosity, good character, and being easy to deal with.

But pleasing people is not the same as being good to others. It is an imbalance of being nice, not kind. It has negative effects and can be the reason for heart break and misfortune.

It’s when you say “yes” even when your heart screams “no”. It’s when you avoid expressing your needs or opinions to avoid upsetting others. It’s when you feel responsible for other people’s emotions or actions. It’s when you feel guilty for prioritising your well-being. It’s when you base your self-worth on how others see you.

People-pleasing isn’t selflessness — it’s self-neglect and it is disrespectful to yourself. Sorry but its the hard to swallow pill you need to hear.

The Spiritual Danger

When we constantly seek the approval of people, we start to compromise our values and blur our intentions. That’s where it gets spiritually dangerous and we find ourself overthinking or confused on what is right and what is wrong. “Indeed, the hypocrites [think to] deceive Allah, but He is deceiving them. And when they stand for prayer, they stand lazily, showing [themselves] to the people and not remembering Allah except a little."- Surah An-Nisa 4:142

Even acts of worship can become empty when done for the sake of being seen. This verse reminds us: a deed without sincere intention may impress people, but it won’t benefit our soul. We need to hold firm on what Islam has made permissible and what it hasn't and we need to things for Allah and not for the sake of people.

The Cure: Pleasing Allah First

The Prophet ﷺ taught us: “Whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah, even if it displeases the people, Allah will be pleased with him and He will cause the people to be pleased with him...” - Ibn Majah 3987

So how do we stop living for people and start living for Allah?

5 Practical Steps to Let Go of People-Pleasing

1. Reset Your Intention (Niyyah): Before saying “yes” or committing to something, pause and ask: Am I doing this for Allah’s sake or to be liked? Let your niyyah filter your actions. Even your kindness should be for Allah, not applause.
2. Learn to Say “No” With Compassion: You can say no without being rude. The Prophet ﷺ himself declined requests at times when it was not right or beneficial. Set boundaries with gentleness, but firmness. There is nothing in saying no to your elders, to people you care about. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do because you care about their hereafter.
3. Remember Allah Is Ash-Shakoor (The Most Appreciative): You don’t need validation from those who don’t see your efforts — your Lord sees it all. Let that be enough. People may forget your favours. Allah never does.
4. Practice Ikhlas (Sincerity): When doing something good, try to keep it between you and Allah. Hide your charity. Avoid unnecessary announcement of good deeds. The less you need to be seen, the more your reward is multiplied.
5. Journal or Make Dua for Strength: Reflect on moments when you gave too much, too often. What were you afraid of? Ask Allah: “Ya Allah, guide me to do what is right, not just what is accepted by others.”

Conclusion

Your heart is too precious to be passed around in search of approval. People’s standards will change. Their praise will fade. But Allah’s pleasure is eternal — and seeking it will never leave you empty. You don’t need to be everything for everyone. You just need to be sincere for One.

When you do things seeking Allah's pleasure, things somehow fall into place as they should. The help and assistance of Allah is all you need. You don't need people, but you need Allah.

May Allah make you bold in truth, soft in speech, and sincere in every intention. Ameen.

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We really hope this reminder benefits you inshallah.